I’m living in an international city but I realized the last couple of days that I still have no idea about how important and HUGE cultural differences still are.

I’m a Canadian, and often, there isn’t much difference between a Canadian and an American.  It really depends on which part of the country you are from.  Many Americans ask me, “So, which part of the USA are you from”.

Yesterday I met an American guy and I felt like I was inside a movie.  It was hilarious.  America is such a diverse country and there are so many different kinds of people there.  This guy seemed like an EXACT character from a movie about George Bush.  It almost felt fake to me.  I couldn’t believe that I was really sitting there and talking to a guy like this.  It’s hard to explain unless you’ve experienced it.  We both speak the same language, but WOW, we almost couldn’t speak.  He was very emotional and we really didn’t know what to say to each other.  I tried not to laugh, but I failed.  It was crazy.  I wish I had this on video for you.  I like Americans, don’t get me wrong, I just couldn’t believe how different we were.  I wondered why.

The day before I met someone from Germany.  I know, and like, many people from Germany.   I actually liked this guy too but I noticed a huge emotional pain inside him.  I wondered what it was from.  During our conversation I realized that a lot of it is from World history.

One kind of weird thing about Canada is that we have a really boring history.  Basically, nothing happened.  We’ve never been attacked, we have the USA to protect us, and there is no one north, east, or west of us.

Everyone learns history in school, and we all learn different history.  I think this causes unbelievable misunderstandings and creates some pretty strong emotions about the past.

In Canada, we don’t learn too much history.  I can’t remember exactly what we were told, but I feel that I learned things like, “A lot of crazy and terrible wars happened, and no one really knows the truth, and probably people acted terribly towards each other, but we should try to somehow move on and forget the past”.

Now, I admit, it’s easy for a Canadian to learn this kind of thinking.  We have no horrible experience.  We can only read about it.  I do notice however, that when I meet people from many, not all, but many other countries, there is still a lot of hate.  People seem to know much more about history than us and it’s bothering them.  It makes sense for it to be this way but it’s really not helping anyone.  That’s my opinion anyway.  When 2 people from 2 countries learn different stories about history and both people “know” they are right, then they really can’t communicate.  It’s true that someone might be right or that they are both wrong.  The point is that it really doesn’t matter.  As a Canadian, I notice powerful emotions deep inside a lot of people.

I can see it within some Canadians too.  I think many Canadians hate feeling like America’s stupid little brother.  We have no identity and little world power.  I don’t know why but I just don’t care.  I hope for a better future and would love to use our brains, not emotions from history lessons, and come up with the solutions that this world badly needs.  I know it’s easy to say, but if we all keep thinking the other person is wrong, then no solution will ever happen.  We all need to be much more understanding or this world will never change.  Even if you are totally right, it’s still necessary to listen and respect the other person and what they experienced.  I think as humans, we should be smart enough to get to that point.

In some ways the world is getting better, in some ways it’s getting worse.  It just amazes me that it’s not always English that’s the problem, it’s how we are taught as kids and what we learn from our parents and grandparents.  One of the first steps is of course to have a common language in the world, but there is so much more work to be done it’s amazing.

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Even if you’ve never experienced it, culture shock seems quite natural and not very surprising. Culture shock is basically the feeling you get when you live with people from another culture. They think differently and act differently than you are used to, and it feels a little strange at first. You need some time to adjust. You expect to experience culture shock when you go live in another country where they speak a different language and have a totally different culture than what you are used to.

Reverse culture shock is more unusual. Reverse culture shock is the uneasy feeling you have when you return to your own culture after having lived away from it for a while. Obviously, the longer you’ve lived away, the stronger reverse culture shock is. When I first learned about reverse culture shock I didn’t give it much thought at all. I couldn’t even imagine that I’d ever have these feelings. I’ve since learned that reverse culture shock is much stronger and more unusual than I’d ever imagined.

Imagine coming back to your own country after living somewhere else for several years. You see your old friends and family and try to catch up (catching up means to talk to someone you haven’t seen in a long time. You need to make up for lost time and share all the stories that have happened since you last spoke). Things change slowly so you don’t really notice how you’ve changed over the years. After talking with your friends and family, you realize that things aren’t quite the same as you remembered. They seem to think differently than you do now. They talk about different topics than you do. They have a different understanding of the world than you do. It can be quite difficult to fit in with your old culture. I find that it’s a very weird feeling, especially since I never really believed it could happen to me.

Add and I are back in Canada for the summer. We’ve already been here for over a month. I’m starting to get used to life here again, but it was really hard at first. In some ways, I forgot what Canadians are like.

One of the biggest things that surprised me was how much people here talk about houses.  A lot of people are always commenting on how someone else’s house is really “sweet” (sweet is slang for amazing), and what they plan to do to make their own house even sweeter.  They love to make their house and yard look really nice.  I’m not saying it is a bad thing, but it’s something I’d never really noticed before.  When people start talking about this, I find that I’m quiet because I have nothing really to say about it.

Please share any of your own culture shock or reverse culture shock experiences.

There are many differences in the relationship between children and their parents in Western and Eastern cultures.

In my opinion, I’d say that generally speaking the western style of parenting is like this:

A parent’s dream is that their child will grow up to be independent, healthy, and happy. Some parents have dreams of their children becoming famous doctors, successful lawyers, or some other thing, but in our culture it is more important that a person choose their own life. Parents often say, “do whatever makes you happy”. Of course when a child is young, western parents look out for the child’s safety and don’t just simply allow the child to do anything. For example, a western parent wouldn’t allow their 8 year old child to stay out very late at night by himself. It’s too dangerous. As the child grows up, she gains more and more independence. Parents will give their advice but they usually won’t try to force you to do something. They might tell you they don’t really like your boyfriend or girlfriend, but they’d never say something like “you are not allowed to marry them”. It doesn’t make sense in our culture. Parents just want to give as much advice as possible to their children so that hopefully the child makes good decisions. Western parents usually encourage open discussion. They want to hear the kid’s ideas and opinions. They want to understand them. It’s ok to argue and debate ideas as long as the child isn’t being rude or disrespectful. It’s ok to say, “Dad, I think you are completely wrong about this and these are my reasons for thinking this way”. Then after hearing that the dad would probably try to explain why he thought his ideas made more sense. In the west, it is considered ridiculous for a parent to say something like, “I am your father. I have more experience than you so you should listen to me”. The mother or father should try to use logic and reason to try to convince their child what is correct.

When the child is still living at his parent’s house and is still depending on his parent’s for money, the parents still have some control over what the child does. For example, most parent’s wouldn’t allow their 18 year old kid to quit school and just stay at home watching tv. A common phrase in the west that parents say is “as long as you are living under my roof you will live by my rules”. In other words, the parents are still the boss until the child moves out of the house and pays for everything himself. When a child finally does move out of his parent’s house and becomes financially independent, we generally consider the child to be an adult. As an adult they can totally make their own decisions without their parent’s interference. My parents would probably be happier if I lived in Canada and closer to them, but they would never try to make me feel guilty for living in China. I’m encouraged to make my own decisions and create my own life. They are happy if they believe I am happy. They are comfortable that I can pay for myself and they don’t expect me to pay for them when they get older. On the other hand, I can’t ask them for money anymore either. If I really needed some they would give it to me, but it would be very embarrassing to ask and it would be disappointing for everyone if this happened. This would mean that I can’t take care of myself, which isn’t a good thing for a 28 year old.

My experience in China tells me that the situation here is quite different. My friends tell me that parents are becoming more open minded than before, but there are still some differences. I have several friends in their mid 20’s in Shanghai who have pressure from their parents to get married soon and have a baby soon. It seems to me that people here feel a lot of cultural pressure to follow their parent’s wishes. They feel that they need to give them money when the parents are old, even if the parents don’t need it. They feel they need to marry someone who their parents approve of. They often tell me that I am lucky because I don’t have to worry about these things. They tell me that they would like to have freedom to do whatever they want but they feel that they have no choice. They have a hard time having an open and fair discussion with their parents.

It also seems more common in the east that even the extended family can influence decisions. It’s not uncommon for me to hear of people’s aunts, uncles, or grandparents giving someone pressure. In the west, this is very very rare. I couldn’t imagine my aunt or uncle telling me what I should do. Since I am an adult now, it would be just as silly for me to tell my aunt and uncle what they should do. It just doesn’t happen. Since we are both adults, it doesn’t matter who is older. We are both independent and are considered equal.

I’d love to hear about where you are from and your relationship with your parents and your other relatives. Is this common in your culture? What would you do differently if you have children. What things do you like about the western parenting styles? What things do you like about the Eastern parenting styles? Is there anything else that you could share? Please share your stories and ideas on the discussion forum. This is your chance to practice your writing. You have no excuse so don’t be lazy. Don’t waste any time. Do it now!

Andrew

I’ve noticed that in China, friends treat each other differently than they do in the west. Each culture respects their friends but they have different ways of showing it. In the west, it seems to me that it is more important to say words like “please and thank you” even to our closest friends. I’ve noticed that in China, these words are said less between close friends.  In China it’s common for one person to pay for an entire dinner, and no one will directly say “thank you”. I’ve been told that if you are really close friends, you shouldn’t need to say these kind of formal words so often. I can understand that, but as a westerner, it still feels strange to me. I always say thank you in that situation and even smaller situations. Even if someone did a very small favor for me such as hand me a dish at the dinner table, I would still say “thanks”. We always say “thanks” in that situation. It feels strange to us to just take it without saying anything. If someone bought me something for less than $1 I would still thank them for it. I would say this to even my best friend. The word “thank you” is too formal, but a simple “thanks” is very much appreciated.

The word “please” is a little too formal between close friends for small favors, although if we ask for something we still try to do it in what we consider to be a polite way. We still ask for permission to do even small things. For example, let’s suppose I went to my best friend’s house and he had beer in the fridge. I know 100% sure that he will allow me to have one, but I would still ask him, “do you mind if I have a beer?” It would feel a little strange if I just went in the fridge and took a beer. I’ve been told by some close Chinese friends that they don’t ask for these things. They share everything and don’t talk about it. It seems natural in that culture to just take things without asking and give things without expecting to hear “thanks”.  In our culture we say please and thank you. It’s just a different culture i guess, but I think it’s important to understand both.

Please share your thoughts and experiences.

Andrew

Lately I’ve noticed another cultural difference that I thought I’d point out. This difference doesn’t bother me personally, but I’ve heard many people I know comment on it. This difference is regarding when and how to give other people your personal opinion. I think westerners are cautious when giving their opinions, if the opinion is negative. (Of course I am not talking about everyone, but just in general). The example comes about when I tell people about this website. I tell many people about it, both Chinese and western. The responses are quite different.

I’ve noticed that in general when I tell a westerner about this website, they say, “Oh that sounds like a good idea” or something very general. If they seem more interested they ask “How’s it going? Are you making money?” “How many people visit the site?” or “How much money was it to start?” If the person is very close to me, like a best friend or a family member, they will ask me many more questions and talk more about it. They might give me their negative opinions as well. I’m just talking about westerners who I don’t know very well, or I just met.

When I tell asian people I just met, they almost always give me their opinions, even without me asking them. It doesn’t bother me. I like it actually because it gives me ideas. Some people tell me they love the website. Some people tell me its ugly. Some people tell me it should be in other languages. Some say I should pay for advertising. Some say they believe it will be a big success. Some say they don’t think this will work because of some reason. I’ve heard hundreds of different things. I know that all of these people are trying to help me, so it doesn’t bother me. I’m used to it done this way. Its just an interesting cultural difference.

I’m sure that the westerners have many different opinions as well about the website. In my experience they seem to keep their opinions to themselves, and just ask questions. We have an expression called being a “know it all”. This is a person who always shares their opinions without anyone asking for them. In our culture this is generally seen as a bad thing. This is why we are very cautious when giving our opinions. I think that our culture says we should keep our opinions to ourselves unless someone asks us for them. Of course we don’t always do this, but I think that is what we believe we should do. If we really do have some advice for someone, we are very very sensitive about how to mention it. We often say something like, “I’m sure you know much more than me about this but I was thinking that maybe paying for advertising would be a good idea. What is your opinion about that?” We would think it is a little rude to just say, “I think you should pay for advertising. Well that’s my opinion” If someone just said that, we would feel that person thinks they really know a lot. This is especially true if you are commenting on something that you don’t really have a lot of personal experience with. If I asked a westerner who already made a very successful website, it is more likely that he or she would just give their opinion because its a topic they know about. We would see it as somewhat disrespectful if some person who doesn’t make websites just freely gave their opinions. We would wonder, “Why do they think they know more than me about this. They don’t even have any experience with this”.

So remember, I don’t really care and I love to hear comments about this website. I just want to say that in general, if you don’t want to upset anyone or sound like a “know it all” then you should be very careful before giving other people your opinions if they don’t ask for them. If you really want to share your opinion, then its better to ask a question. If you ask, “what do you think about paying for advertising?” you are showing that you respect them. This way still shows your opinion without acting like a “know it all”. A question like that is a much safer way to give your opinion. This is especially important to remember in a business environment.

Please share your thoughts. Ha ha. See, I asked for your opinions so feel free to share them.

Andy